Kathi and Joe's Wedding, 9 July 2005


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Hi, I'm Jon.  Welcome to the wedding.  Do you like my teeth? You mean we sent YOU an invitation!? Robo Kathi strikes again... Nice shoes... Hmm, now who's paying for all this stuff? You spent my college tuition on the reception! We are just too cool... What else should you do at a wedding?  Cruise chicks and suck face... So how did they convince George Lucas to play in the combo? Whatever you do, don't let me keel over backwards into Peaches! OK, we'll flip to see who gets to give the speech I'm definitely not being paid enough for this... Wait till I get my hands on the guy who bent my flute! And now, I'd like to entertain you all with my Donnie Osmond impression... You know, they'll let just anyone into these affairs nowadays... Well, there's no dike for me to plug with my finger, so I guess I'll just hold up the chuppah... Yeah, I guess I'll go through with it. Yep, I stole the lenses from a state trooper. Hmm, is that what a rose is supposed to smell like? It took me two hours this morning to get my hair to do that! This is the last time I let my sister pick a flower color to match my shirt! Yeah, it was an OK service, I guess... Now what's the best way to boogie down these steps? This way, dear, we're supposed to go this way... Well, yes, I really am 8' tall.  And my wife is 6'10"... Hah, fooled another one with forced perspective! Whew, you mean I've got to kiss her in front of ALL these PEOPLE? OK, I'm in the right mood now! I'll be happy if I survive this one... Hey, you over there, follow directions! No, one more step forward! Hmmm, wonder how he got the charcoal on his chin? I sure hope he doesn't take the steps two at a time... OK, matron of honor duties:  first, don't fall down steps... OK kid, ready to rock and roll? Be careful not to step on that bug... In case of emergency, note the escape doors to my left... And all you hay fever sufferers, note the escape doors on my left too! My dress is cooler than your dress! Now I just looked up the rules for filibustering a wedding, so I'd like to start with the Alexandria phone directory... I can hardly wait to get to the chocolate! You actually expect me to keep a straight face through all of this? Bridal party covert photography Why does she only have to carry one of these things? I shoulda brought a little lard along to grease this puppy up... Rev. Lou leads the audience in the traditional rousing chorus of "I'm a Lumberjack" Before you kiss the bride, can I present you with the check? Weddings are so stimulating! Is everybody happy?! But wait, there's more! I love you dear, but could you get your mustache out of my nose? OK, now we'll try again... Hee, hee, I do good work! Have we been bad? Waiting until both of Tracy's hands were full, the ribbon of doom picked its moment to attack! That deer in the headlights look common to new brides... Heh, heh, heh... Finally... Oh Jon, you're so good at this... Oh boy, it's time to EAT! Another job well done! Time to socialize... If I squeeze real hard, can I squirt that lady from here? Are you sure you should operate powerful machinery like that when you're drinking a beer? I charge my dentist an advertising fee every time I smile... Like omygod... Ahem, that's MY plate... How do you get your nose out of the way of this darn thing? Ride like the wind dear!  I think Kathi thinks we're chocolate! Why me, Lord? That second plate of desserts went down a little hard! Darn, forgot my phone book to sit on... Come on, Joe, show some teeth like everyone else! Nice material... Gotcha! Does this thing pick up channel 7? I'm sorta confused about this whole marriage thing And then I goosed him real good! And, in conclusion, I'd just like to say, please leave some food so I can have lunch tomorrow Girls are just smilier than boys One of these and one of these and one of these... Crossing the thin line between dancing and making out... Yep, lines been crossed all right! I think I liked it better the other way... Yep, that's better Awwww Daddy daughter hoofin' Awwwww (number 2) Hey, look at Kathi dancing toward the chocolate fountain... Let's see, the fountain's over there.  Can I make him lead me that way? I don't think I can bend that way! Classic Kathi pose if I ever saw one! Remarkably well behaved cake cutting No one will notice the big scoop of missing chocolate;  it's in the back! No I DON'T have frosting in my hand!  Honest! I told the truth!  It wasn't frosting, it was chocolate shavings... Come to Mama, cakeboy... Urp... Just a sucker for them Daddy Daughter shots! How WILL I get the lime out of the beer bottle? Don't make me laugh! See, I told you!